Facebook Impressions You Didn't Intend
Monday, June 15, 2009
There's no right or wrong in using Facebook , but there is additional context to every message. Here are five impressions you might not want to make, and may not have ever intended to make.
Pronouns and being vague
Tries to say: "I am doing interesting things! Fascinating things! Things you should ask about, because you would be interested if I told you what they were."
Actually says: "I am in desperate need of attention, and I hope this vague allusion will draw you into my world of self inflicted psycho-drama."
Who will care: Your closest friends who would read and respond to anything you wrote anyway.
Everyone else: Won't ask.
Instead try: Complete sentences.
More than two updates a day
Tries to say: "I have so much going on that it's hard to keep up with me!"
Actually says: "I have so little going on that I have the time to be a Facebook jockey all day every day".
Who will care: The people you are already in constant contact with, by email, phone, and in person, and probably already know what you're doing.
Everyone else: Those still seeing your updates might not be aware of the "Hide feed updates from... " feature, but are looking for it.
Instead try: Twitter.
Pokes
Tries to say: "On the internet we aren't held back by boring old 'language' anymore! We can send zany graphics and stuff! Isn't Facebook fun?"
Actually says: "For some reason being on the internet makes me want to fill time in between actual interactions with empty content that you would absolutely hate if similar behaviour were possible in person or over the phone."
Who will care: Those who don't understand why some people hate MySpace .
Everyone else: Was afraid this sort of thing would happen if they finally let their friends talk them into using Facebook .
Instead try: Saying stuff. Actual stuff. Human stuff. Like, "communicating" and shit. It's okay to say nothing in the meantime.
Quizzes
Tries to say: "I took this test and it reveals something amusing about me."
Actually says: "I took this test which is transparently simple to manipulate so that I could make known an impression I'd like everyone to have."
Who will care: People who will want to take the test themselves.
Everyone else: Wishes Facebook had a function to hide applications by categories , not just kill each stupid quiz announcement one by one. The people who didn't give a shit what Lost character you are, also don't give a shit what state in the US you should live in, what kind of cloud formation you are, where you stand in the social hierarchy of the magic fairy realm of Whereeverthefuck, or whatever other pseudo-insight you've gained from the kind of multiple choice self indulgence that used to be regulated to the pages of magazines like Cosmopolitan .
Instead try: What, you don't already have a blog?
Links
Tries to say: "I found something really cool on the internet!"
Actually says: "I used to email this stuff to you, and now I'm doing it on Facebook , and I will do it on whatever social network comes next. There is no escape from me."
Who will care: People not already using Stumbleupon .
Everyone else: Is glad that at least now you don't CC this shit to every single fucking email address in your contact list, effectively sending the email address of everyone you know to everyone else you know.
Instead try: The same rules that people wished you had followed on email. Don't post every single link that your easily amused ass seems to get excited about. More than once every few days is symptomatic.